the story of a wedding weekend as told through grandmother's snarky comments.
"your hair looks like crap! when is going to go back to normal?"--to elena, sister of the groom and jr. bridesmaid. elena had attempted to home highlight her hair.
"you need to control your children, they're eating all the shrimp! other people have to eat too you know."--at the rehearsal dinner, to the pastor who was to perform the ceremony.
"i'm the grandmother! bring me more champagne!"--to the waiter at the rehearsal dinner.
"[jesus], please help heather to not make smart ass comments"--to me after thanking grandmother for putting down her cigarette long enough for the family prayer before lunch.
"what's the story with that cream colored sash? is she trying to make up for wearing a white dress?"--to the mother of the groom (my aunt jennifer) because the bride was wearing a white dress with a beige sash. enough said.
"i have the best looking family, dont you think?"--to the photographer, as the groom's family walked up for pictures (all 35 of us) as the bride's family sat back down.
"hope you stay around for a while, or this could be embarrassing"--to cousin sloan's new girlfriend from charleston who somehow got in the family pictures.
"sally had gas last night, she thought she was having another heart attack"--pleasant reception conversation with myself and uber yuppie family from kiawah (see steven ellis).
*in a particularly annoyed voice* "they left me off of the 'in memory of our grandparents' dedication on the back of the program!"--after noticing that her ex-husband was mentioned on the back of the program, i then casually pointed out that she was listed "on the inside, because she was alive"
"i love y'all, but im ready for you to go home so i can sit on my couch in my pajamas and drink me some brandy"--to the family as everyone was leaving after lunch on sunday.
and these are only the ones i was around to hear. i love my grandmother.
other points to note for the weekend.
big tulip popular fell down in my back yard as i was getting ready for the rehearsal dinner. bummer.
i forgot to take my camera to the rehearsal dinner and the wedding (wedding pictures from the photographer will be posted online this weekend).
bridezilla threw a fit at the salon where the bridal party was getting her hair done. she was mad because two of the bridemaids' hair looked too much like hers. she started crying and then of course, demanded to have her makeup redone too.
uber yuppie cousins in kiawah invited me to come visit them (definitely making plans for a free vacation).
and for the record, murray seems to be doing much better. keep your fingers crossed for solid poop (today is his first day off medicine).
4 comments:
you should tape your grandmother and submit her at her best to funniest home videos, maybe make a little cash to pay for Murray's vet bills
yeah, tina was in rare form for this one!!!
these are definitely best read aloud with proper southern accent. gotta love your fam!
I don't know anyone involved in this [besides you], but I found it hilarious. I think it's great that we have parts of our lives at the beginning and as we near the end when we can say what we want and there are few or no repercussions.
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