addendum

in a conversation with tlmc, i realized that i had left out some rather odd facts about myself. feel free to substitute these for any of the more boring ones in the last post.

a. i had my first real kiss in a church, i was 15, he was 19. he became my first boyfriend
b. i have a serious superman fetish
c. i have a thing for red headed boys
d. i dont like peanut butter or popcorn
e. i find it very attractive when boys wear toboggans
f. i believe that is important to name inanimate objects, like my car, 'twink', or tlmc's car, 'the sex pistol'
g. i had my first drink of scotch when i was 3
h. i joined udoc, just for the scholarship money
i. my indian name is 'little princess running water'
j. i have a birthmark on my butt

ha, how about them apples
any better?

copy cat

100 things you never wanted to know about me.

1. i totally stole this from celeste
2. i'm not really very creative
3. i'm tone deaf too
4. i have a lot of creative/artsy friends
5. i've been in 8 weddings
6. none of which, were my own
7. however, i've been proposed to 3 times
8. i'm glad none of those worked out
9. tlmc and i almost qualified for common law marriage
10. i miss her
11. i am an only child
12. but i wasn't spoiled
13. i was almost named after a famous clemson football coach (but then i was born a girl)
14. frank howard called me francis until he died
15. i won 4th place in the state science fair in 6th grade
16. i practiced pavlov's conditioning on goldfish
17. i went to jim and tammy bakker's high school
18. the one year i was a cheerleader, we weren't allowed to go to competition because our skirts were too short
19. i was student council president my jr. and sr. years
20. 95% of the guys i have dated have 4 letter names
21. a lot of my early boyfriends shared names with the authors of the new testament, matthew, mark, luke, john and paul
22. that kind of creeps me out
23. my first job ever was a ymca camp counselor
24. my favorite job ever was a demo chef for calphalon cookware
25. i like to piddle in the kitchen
26. i grow my own herbs, the legal kind
27. i have a red mailbox
28. i have owned 3 volkswagens
29. i have never had a cavity
30. i brush my teeth at least 3 times a day
31. i find this a little ocd
32. but i believe oral hygiene is important
33. the week before i got my braces off, i broke my nose playing softball (age, 15)
34. i am not a big fan of snow skiing
35. i grew up in south charlotte, near lake wylie
36. i still live in charlotte, just the other side of town
37. my family is famous for its fried chicken
38. i only started eating tomatoes a year or so ago
39. i still dont like mushrooms or olives
40. cheese is my t-total favoritest food
41. i believe all other foods are just a vehicle by which cheese can be delivered
42. i went through a phase when i was about 6 years old where all i wanted to eat was hotdogs and spinach
43. i still heart spinach
44. i am the first person on my dad's side of the family to graduate from college
45. my dad's parents are affectionately known as "maw maw and paw paw"
46. on valentines day, they'll celebrate their 65 anniversary
47. i think that is pretty impressive
48. my mom won a prize in a photo contest for time life magazine for a picture of my dad and i on the beach
49. that picture is sitting on my dresser
50. my bedroom furniture is over 150 years old
51. i heart it
52. my great, great grandfather made it
53. fall is my favorite season
54. i dont like salty foods
55. i dont drink coke (read:soda)
56. i am very sensitive to caffeine
57. but i have a weakness for sweet tea
58. i am very allergic to cigarette smoke
59. i dont really have much of a temper
60. an ex of mine broke up with me because i was "too nice"
61. i'm never dating another marine
62. i think thunderstorms are sexy
63. my favorite physical features of boys are shoulders and smiles
64. i too, have danced on the bar in charlotte
65. tlmc was usually with me
66. i stood on a table in ri ra on my 21st birthday and led the crowd in singing happy birthday to me.
67. i thought i was something
68. in college, tlmc and i thought all boys should have nicknames, my favorites were thugalicious and fuckface
69. during the holidays, i wrote "ho ho ho" with christmas lights in the windows of our campus apartment
70. i got a busted lip from jim maxwell (who now plays for the san francsico 49ers) during a snowball fight
71. i blame celeste for wasting my morning
72. i would like to meet her someday
73. my dad would like me to move to atl
74. its a little out of my price range
75. and i dont have enough equity to make it worth it
76. and i'm just getting my house the way i really want it (after 3 years)
77. murray is a funny dog
78. he was a "get over your bad break-up present" from luke
79. i heart murray
80. i am nervous and excited about starting my new job next week
81. my new office is painted purple
82. that is not my favorite color
83. i'm not really a fan of pink either
84. i think my favorite colors are blue and green
85. and orange, of course
86. but i mostly wear black
87. i'm not goth or emo or anything
88. i just find that black is easy, it requires little thought
89. my car matches my dog
90. my first concert was new kids on the block
91. my second was aerosmith and four non-blondes
92. i am not a fan of country music
93. i named my ipod 'lil lil guy'
94. when i was a kid a lot of my stuff came from ll bean and i called it 'lil lil bean'
95. i believe i've been making this list for over an hour
96. i'm sorry im not cool like celeste and putting in a lot of links
97. i think t-nat should make a list
98. i doubt tlmc will, she's a busy girl
99. i have something that i need to take back to the uncc library by 11am
100. ha, i'm done, sweeeeeeeet

wow, ok, so yeah, that was a lot harder than i thought it would be. maybe i'm just a boring person.

celebrate

happy birthday mozart!

supposedly davidson college is having a concert tonight and it will end with everyone singing happy birthday to the dead guy and a big cake with 250 candles.

better than rain

today i took my drug test for my new job. its hard to pee in a cup with someone watching. that was not fun. i am getting really excited about the job though, but its going to be hard to give up all of this freedom. i start next friday, 2/3. and all of a sudden i'm realizing that i haven't done all of the home improvement projects i wanted to get done on my little vacation. why did i have to be so damn ambitious?

tlmc's post about how boys don't like smart girls came true in vivid color tonight. i was watching abc around 8:45pm (so as not to miss even the first second of lost) and on whatever new goobery show they have on now, one of the characters actually said:

"who would want to date a smart girl anyway? they're too much work. let's say you put your hand on a smart girl's ass, she's going to start asking you all sorts of annoying questions like 'why the hell is your hand on my ass?' whereas if you put your hand on a dumb girl's ass and tell her you want to be an astronaut, bam! you're in".

sigh.

on a more encouraging note, im feeling more and more empowered everyday. its coming out in little ways. i finished a book, i've officially rid myself of one very unhealthy relationship, i confronted someone who was getting on my nerves and i recently told someone who asked me to do something for them, no. oh and i'm making some new friends. ;)

those of you have known me a while will appreciate this story. a dear friend of mine, aaron parker, called me today. he and his partner keith recently bought a house together and were out celebrating at eddie's neighborhood bar. while they were there aaron noticed an um, old boyfriend of mine, paul (aka pinochipaul or rumplestiltspaul) working in the kitchen. despite paul's best efforts to avoid eye contact, aaron eventually said, "hey paul, remember me from g-dubb? i was good friends with heather". aaron said that all of the blood drained out of paul's face. so aaron, being the good friend he is said "yeah too bad you didnt marry her, she's doing awesome, she's hot and loaded". i love having gay guy friends.

random: there is a new movie coming out and its about gastonia, nc. go figure.

yay for the new job!

wow, ok so i managed to not go bankrupt during unemployment, but did almost wet my pants when they called and offered me the job today. that was possibly the most nerve-racking time ever. will post more later, but for now, i'm taking myself out to dinner.

please sir can i have some more

so for now, being unemployed still kinda feels like a long weekend. i am making a concerted effort to a.) get out of bed before 8am, b.)bathe and dress, c.)leave the house for at least 3 hours and d.)not take a nap. so far so good. i think this weekend i start on the virtually endless number of hgtv projects. ex-work only called 4 times today, so i think they're figuring it out. my strategy, if they leave something i feel they really can't figure out if they try, i'll call back, late, and leave some vague idea on the voicemail. if its just pleading, yeah, they get nothing. good news today though. interview (scroll down to "program coordinator 1") on monday. very excited. we'll see.

in other news, the new roommate, mccamy is getting married sometime (date subject to the whim of them), she officially asked me to be a bridesmaid. sigh. 100 times a bridesmaid, never a bride. although i do have to say the dress does qualify as one of the favorite of the other dozen or so that are um (to steal from celeste) *fakecoughsoakedinchampagneandwaddedupinthefloorofmycloset*. yeah. i think the price is a little stiff, so hopefully tlmc will agree to have the same one. because lets face it "its cute, and something you can wear again" is something that all brides tell their maids just so they dont feel so guilty about making their poor, unemployed friends spend $240.00 for the pleasure of being in their wedding-see fake cough line above). its kinda hard, im not a good enough person to live with someone who is planning a wedding and who has a serious princess complex about it. im just not sympathetic at all. and ok, im a little bitter. im trying to realize that this is just a test of resolution #5.

other bummed out purchase of the week. yeah dont be jealous.

*deep breath*

with the encouragement of tlmc i did make one redeeming purchase. *giggles*

now singing

because im cool like that

ok so i'm totally giving into peer pressure. and now that i have free time on my hands i feel like i can waste a little here and there. i present... nothing you ever wanted to know about me.

4 jobs you've (i've) had in my life (as opposed to someone else's?)
camp counselor
demo chef
sales lead (read:assistant manager for this fine company)
program coordinator
.... does superhero count? i think that's more my lifelong career.

4 places i've lived
charlotte, nc (3 different addresses)
boiling springs, nc (2 different dorms)
huntersville, nc
... really, thats it.

4 movies i could watch over and over again
phantom of the opera
rent (is there a pattern?)
french kiss
princess bride

4 t.v. shows i heart
food 911
how to boil water (again with the pattern)
good eats (different pattern)
lost

4 places i've been on vacation
kona, hawaii
destin, fl
hilton head
mashantucket, ct

4 places i surf to daily
cash flow
job hunting
duh
oh fug it all

4 favorite foods
cheese (all kinds)
chocolate
anything mexican
spinach

4 places i'd rather be right this minute
on the way to cash my winning lottery ticket
on the couch with tlmc
in bed
here: (yeah, i took that picture for real, in hawaii)

for my fans

so here i am, the eve of my first day of official unemployment (today was a holiday and most people were off so i'm not counting it). a lot has happened since my last post. we'll start with work, my last week at work was pretty rough. i put in a solid 65 hours. the thursday before my last day i worked from 7am until almost midnight. the next day i got in an argument with a co-worker and i told her to drop it that i wasn't going to take it, i said my good-byes and peaced out. for now i've lined up quite a few well-paying babysitting jobs and managed to get a lot of good feedback from some personal, professional contacts i've made the past few years. so here's to feeling optimistic!

i spent the weekend in altanta, it was a nice retreat. surrounded by quasi-family (dad's girlfriend and her fam), i celebrated, relaxed, and played. there was wine and chocolate and some fabulous italian cooking. they want me to move there. hmmm?

after my post on tuesday, jan. 10. i began to feel much stronger, at least in my battles with men anyway. i even considered swearing off physical and emotional attachments to men in general, especially new interests. one of the mentioned, "type 1" examples realized he had been named. i felt badly, but only for a second. since he's been mysteriously polite and not all sex-pursuing (at least not with me) lately. one of the mentioned "type 2" i had, since the post, cut off from all communication, until today when he emailed to say that he wasn't really sleeping the 43 year old woman, that he only told me he was as a joke, but they were "dating" (this is a creepy relationship for more than the age thing, she's the mother of the special needs kids he works with). oh and he didnt apologize, he just said that the sleeping together part was a joke, i replied, "wow, that joke really turned out to be not so funny".

i dont know where all this self assuredness is coming from, but it feels nice to have it back.

i do want to give an update on my resolutions.
#1. make financially responsible decisions--definitely in progress. i haven't paid for a meal out in 6 days, i think that's a good start.
#2. find a new job--working on this one too. i sent out 11 applications last week.
#3. realize that i am not defined by my job--this is easier now that i dont have one.
#4. volunteering--check! i even got invited to be on the foundation for the carolinas emerging philanthropist board *grins*
#5. realize i am not defined by relationship status--this is a daily battle, but i'm feeling more encouraged.
#6. wash my face every night before bed--so far have only failed to this twice, and it was when i felt really crappy (one night i cried all my make-up off, does that count?)
#7. spend more time reading than watching tv--so far so good, i dont know the exact ratio, but its definitely better than it was.
#8. learn to stand up for myself and say no--i think friday paula was a little surprised when i told her to forget it when she made a stubborn last request before i left.
#9. be more physically active--um, does walking in heals count?
#10. make new friends--i did flirt with the waiter at aspens in alt and i came within about 10 hours of meeting celeste.

volunteering starts tomorrow, i'm helping out my friend amelia in her classroom. i guess i should be getting to bed. ttfn.

for celeste

this is the only man i will allow myself to be emotionally attached to, at least for a while.

this is the first day that murray was home. at least now he doesn't pee in the house.

i dont understand... the start of a revolution

im so frustrated, i dont even know where to start. ive been fumbling over the words to this post for hours now. and this is all i have. friday is my last day at the this job and i want to walk away and never look back. i dont understand why boys are so mean and hateful. spent probably a grand total of 3 or 4 hours on the phone with tlmc last night, mostly just me sobbing, wondering why my life is falling apart. aside from work and my relationship with my mom and everything else, mims comforted me by concluding that there are two types of boys. type 1, we will call lane or travis: this is the most common type, only interested in sex, will exhibit manipulative behavior to get what he wants. failure to comply results in pouting, arguing or insulting indifference. out of a desire for attention or to feel wanted, women will sometimes engage in the "game" whether or not they comply with the ultimate request. type 2, the casey or jason: this type is quick to develop a "friendship" based on the female's ability to satisfy some type of emotional or intellectual need for the male. if the female mentions that she is interested in more than a platonic friendship, the male often responds in a way that while masked by the appearance of noble sincerity, is ultimately heart breaking. the "i just want to be friends" card. this roughly translates means "i want to sleep with other people (i.e. 18 or 43 year olds), without any emotional attachment and continue to exploit you and your feelings for me to meet my needs".

my eyes are swollen and burning from last night's sobfest. i plan to muster up all my energy and make some new resolutions... later. for now i will drown myself in what needs to be done here at work.

back by popular demand...

so happy new year! *coughs* (takes a swig of nyquil)

*sigh*
in case you haven't heard as of friday, january 13 i no longer work at the regional hiv/aids consortium. in a toxic mix of funding issues, mismanagement, and general unhappiness... its the best move for me right now. i dont have any concrete plans, but im diligently applying for jobs and looking for odds and ends to pay the bills.

early tuesday morning, miriam left. it made me really sad. we didnt live like rock stars or anything while she was here, but i was so happy that she was with me. i was so content just sitting talking to her for hours. conversations like we used to have every day, but have been absent for months now. i miss her a lot. i hope she comes back more often, it feels better when we're together. and i want to meet this casey guy (aka miriam's sweet baboo, yes that's her in the picture). by the way, she's also now ranked like 3rd in the first year law school student class at florida state. i'm so proud.

one of my jr. world savers is quitting and that makes me sad. i've done a lot of damage control trying to keep the rest of the team from falling to pieces. i become very invested in them, not just as a program, but emotionally invested in them as individuals.

so with all of this chaos one might ask me how i can still champion the cause of optimism. well, mostly because i choose to. i believe part of being liberated includes exercising to the greatest extent possible, personal choice over all situations. i dont like the way it feels when i feel oppressed by my context, so i choose to have the power over it, and if i cant change or control it, i can change how i respond to it so that it doesnt make me sad. so do i totally sound like a self-help book or what? i'm ok with that. i believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and i this time, i dont think its a train.

news flash: t-nat is no longer in hiding. the cia/nsa/gop/etc. have been evaded.

and mccamy (the roommate) finally got her diamond ring. i'm trying to be a good person, she told me she was worried i'd be mad at her. i told her not to take it personally, i'm just bitter.